The Many Gruesome Deaths of Severus Snape
by Lizzy Lovegood
Summary: Feeling in a playful mood one day, the four Marauders (yes, Wormtail, too) decide to write stories about Snape's gruesome deaths. Includes James's obsession with Lily, Sirius being a god, Remus's lycanthropy and...cheese?
1. James's Story

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Harry Potter; otherwise I would be sickeningly rich and wouldn't be posting here. But then you'd miss me:)

Note: This was just a spur of the moment type of thing; originally it had a Prologue and an Epilogue which was in Harry's POV after Sirius's death (Harry/Remus bonding, you know?). But I decided to get rid of those since I just wanted to do a humor, Marauder-era type story.

Note: Here are the Marauders different writing styles (or typefaces, but whatever!)

_Italics - James_

_**Bold Italics - Sirius**_

**Bold - Remus :)**

_Underlined Italics - Peter_

**Chapter 1: James's Story**

_Once there was a big, black nothingness on what we call Earth. Oh . . . people were alive, certainly, but they weren't ALIVE, they were not living like normal, cool people do. Instead, they were just going around, saying they were bored. Everyone was unhappy and depressed, until . . . on December 2, 1959, a boy named James Alexander Potter was born! The world had begun! Everyone was happy and er . . . un-depressed and were rejoicing in the streets, because James Potter had been born!_

_When he was eleven years old, James Potter went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and what a difference he made there! Albus Dumbledore, the prestigious headmaster, said he had never had such a good, nay, GREAT pupil!_

_**Prongs, is this the story of your life or Snivellus's death?**_

_Fine, Padfoot. I will end my life story right here and get on with Snivelly's death._

_**Finally.**_

_Shut up, Sirius. Anyway, when the boy wonder, James Potter was born there was also a boy that was NOT a wonder for lack of a better term. HIS name was Severus Snape, henceforth to be referred to as Snivellus or Snivelly. He had greasy, black hair and a long, hooked nose, along with ugly, sallow skin. He was VERY ugly and thought that he could get this pretty girl, Lily Evans when she is MINE! LILY IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE!_

**Stop pitying yourself and get on with it, Prongs.**

_**I agree with Moony.**_

_You guys are such insensitive jerks._

_**Well, we're supposed to write OUR stories, too, you know.**_

**And we have a Transfiguration essay that we should work on after this.**

_Yet another reason to take a long time. _

**Get on with it!**

_Fine, fine. Snivellus was an ugly git and no one liked him except for other ugly Slytherins (who only kind of put up with him in the first place). So . . . one day the wonderful James and his mediocre friend, Sirius Black were playing Quidditch._

_**Hey! You wait until I get to MY story. I'll show you as this idiotic prat!**_

_I need to 'get on with it,' according to Moony, Padfoot, so shut up and let me write the story. So, where was I?_

_The Quidditch, tell about the Quidditch!_

_Ah, yes, the Quidditch. Thank you, Wormtail. As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, James and Sirius were playing Quidditch when Snivelly came up with some other idiot Slytherins, Lucius Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle (what are their first names?), and Narcissa (is it just me, or does it look like she has dung under her nose?)._

_**Yes.**_

**Yes.**

_Yes._

_So, Narcissa looks like she has dung under her nose. Snivelly came up to us and started hurling insults at us, that we were the worst Quidditch team in the world and all. The insults were like Bludgers hitting you in the back of the head and having your guts spurt out of your nose._

**Of course you couldn't just leave it at 'Bludgers hitting you.'**

_Not really._

_Ew, that's GROSS!_

_**Will you let the man get on with this? It's my story next, you know.**_

_Thank you, Sirius. Of course all this jeering was all too much for Sirius and he ran off the field, sobbing._

_**Grr. . . .**_

_Hey, I have to 'get on with this,' Padfoot._

**How could Sirius run off the field if you were flying?**

_Fine. Sirius FLEW off the field. Happy?_

**Yes.**

_However, the wonderful James Potter would not put up with these blatant insults, and, upon seeing his best friend in hysterical tears, he took out his wand and hexed Snivellus, so that his already large nose grew even bigger. And his already greasy hair became so greasy that it was plastered to his scalp (and he had a lot of dandruff). And his already sallow skin became so pale that it, er . . . looked really ugly._

**You know, you're not really supposed to start sentences with 'and.'**

_AND you're not supposed to keep interrupting, Moony. Then, the terrific James Potter hexed Snivelly again and he turned upside-down, so that his long, even more pale legs showed and it looked really ugly. Oh, yeah, and his graying underwear showed and that was really ugly, too. _

_Meanwhile, the beautiful and great Lily Evans was watching and gazing adoringly at the wonderful James Potter. _

_**I knew this would turn into a love story with you and Evans.**_

_Well, it's going to happen, Padfoot and you know it._

_**I'm sure.**_

_Stop with the sarcasm! So . . . the wonderful James Potter then bound the ugly Snivellus with ropes._

**Well, what else were you supposed to bind him with?**

_You're worse than McGonagall, Moony. Fine, so the wonderful James Potter bound Snivellus and attached the ropes to his broom. Then, he called up the giant squid and the merpeople who he was particularly friendly with._

_**Yeah, after they rescued you from drowning in third year when you were showing off in front of Evans.**_

_No, I am friends with the merpeople and the squid because I saved them from utter extinction when I rescued them from an evil grindylow._

_**But you nearly drowned trying to catch it and the squid caught it and ate it, anyway.**_

_Fine. I am friends with the merpeople because of a . . . mishap in the lake when they rescued me and I felt that I should return the favor. So, I shouted to the merpeople in their native language ("draw your spears, this man is evil!"), and of course they listened to my every command and they drew their spears. The squid, who is always ready for a meal, opened it's mouth and I unbound Snivellus who was unable to make a sound in his fear at my glory!_

_**Your glory?**_

**How about you just cast a Silencing Charm on him?**

_**That definitely works.**_

_What? I can't even have any glory in this?_

**You've had more than enough.**

_Fine. He was actually silent because I cast a Silencing Charm on him at the last moment but he THOUGHT that it was because of my glory._

**You need a good Head-Deflation Charm, Prongs.**

_Shut up, Moony, and all you little people who don' t understand my glory! Snivellus fell, silenced into the spears of the merpeople and it skewered him, killing him._

**That's a bit redundant, don't you think? I mean, the title of this is 'The Many Gruesome DEATHS of Severus Snape,' and it also says that the spears skewered him, which meant they probably killed him.**

_Welcome to the Department of Redundancy Department._

_Huh? I don't get it!_

_I'll explain it later, Wormtail. Anyway, Snape was killed and the merpeople chopped him up and took the good, juicy parts of him home (which weren't too many), and the squid ate up the rest, so the evil Snivellus was DEAD! All the Slytherins ran away, crying and Sirius stopped with his sobbing and began dancing happily. All the chics backed away from him, looking scared at his hysterical joy._

_**OK, I'm DEFINITELY getting you back in my story.**_

_I'm sure you will. Then, the beautiful Lily Evans turned to the wonderful James Potter and she realized how wrong she had been about him all these years. He was not an arrogant prat. . . ._

_**He was a REALLY arrogant prat.**_

_NO, Padfoot, she realized that James Potter was a wonderful young man, a great student, a funny person, and a REALLY handsome guy. So she said, "Oh, James! I love you, I can't believe I didn't realize it before, you're such a wonderful young man, a great student, a funny person, and a REALLY handsome guy. Will you be my boyfriend and marry me once we leave Hogwarts?"_

_**I can understand why Muggles don't believe in this world. It really is fantasy.**_

_It is NOT fantasy, Padfoot. It's soon to be reality. Now, let me finish this. So, James Potter said, "Of course, Lily! I know I am a wonderful young man, a great student, a funny person, and a REALLY handsome guy, so of course I will be your boyfriend and marry you once we leave Hogwarts!" _

**Yet more redundancy.**

_Thanks for spoiling the moment, Moony. So, he gave her a passionate kiss which she returned with gusto, and they lived happily ever after._


	2. Sirius's Story

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Damn, I'm running out of ideas for funny disclaimers.

**Chapter 2: Sirius's Story**

_**Once there was a wizard named Sirius Black. However, he was no ordinary wizard, he was reborn from the ashes like a phoenix, because of his evil, pure-blood family who all hated him and loved his little brother, Regulus, who was a sickening prat and who was put in Slytherin and who is also friends with Snivellus now.**_

_**This young wizard also had three best friends, actually, more like servants who were not even near his wonderfulness and bowed before his greatness, most particularly, James Potter.**_

_Hey!_

_**I TOLD you I'd get you back, Prongs. As I was saying, James Potter in particular worshipped Sirius, he bowed before him and cleaned Sirius's shoes with his own spit like a house-elf. Am I rubbing it in enough?**_

_Let's get this over with._

**My sentiments exactly, Prongs. Is it just me or have I mentioned a Transfiguration essay and if we don't get it done, McGonagall will hex us into oblivion?**

_**It must be you. Then, there was Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, though not QUITE as devoted as James, they were pretty close. In fact, sometimes, they would even have contests on who could be the most dedicated slave. Sirius Black did not want all this attention, of course, but they insisted.**_

_Padfoot, if you say ONE MORE WORD about my undying obedience, I will not rest until I've learned the Curse of the Bogies and used it on you._

**Count me in on that, Prongs.**

_Got it, Moony._

_**Spoil-sports, but, fine, I'll get on with it, I just need a second to think of what utterly painful death I could give Snivellus.**_

**Well, in the meantime, let's work on that essay. . . .**

_**NO! I've got it!**_

_But I don't want to be hexed by McGonagall!_

_We can beat her in a duel anytime, anywhere, Peter, don't worry._

_**Don't worry, Moony, we'll get it done. Now, where was I? Ah, was it James's undying obedience?**_

_Curse of the Bogies. . . ._

_**Fine, fine, I get it! Well, one day, the handsome Sirius Black and his three friends were walking down to the Forbidden Forest for Care of Magical Creatures class. The four met Professor Kettleburn, an old, crazy wizard there, who was speaking very rapidly and in a squeaky voice, making him sound kind of creepy.**_

**The man's just excited about the topic.**

_**A bit TOO excited if you ask me, Moony. And have you noticed that the guy's robes have lace on them? **_

_And?_

_He's gay, Wormtail._

_What's wrong with being happy?_

_**OK, then, let's just get on with it.**_

_But what's wrong with it?_

_Nothing, now let Sirius get on with his story._

**So that we can finish the essay.**

_**Stop it with the essay, Moony! So, Professor Kettleburn had decided to show Sirius and . . . the others, unicorns today. He thought it was a fun topic and so did James, Remus, and Peter. They all clapped their hands and said, "Yay!" in high-pitched, squeaky voices.**_

_Hey! I am NOT gay!_

_**No one said you were. Stop finding such inappropriate, suggestive meaning in such tiny things, Prongs. Oh, yeah, and they all had lace and flowers on their robes.**_

**Padfoot! Do you know what could happen if a teacher saw this?**

_**We'd all get another detention and I'm one ahead of you, Prongs!**_

_No, what about that one I got from Professor Sprout for teasing the Venomous Tentacula?_

_**That doesn't count! That was only for two minutes!**_

_Five! I counted!_

**How about you two tied? I don't know why you have a contest about the number of detentions you get anyway, though. It's crazy.**

_**Fine, we're tied right now. So, James, Remus, and Peter all went up to the unicorn and started petting it.**_

_I thought we discussed this. I am NOT about to be PETTING a unicorn!_

_**Fine. When Sirius's three friends saw that the great and handsome Sirius wasn't petting the unicorn, they decided not to.**_

_Grr. . . ._

**What goes around comes around.**

_**Thank you, Moony.**_

**And for doing this to me, I'll make sure to do something like this to you.**

_**What? Haven't you ever heard of the Golden Rule?**_

_Haven't you?_

_**Why, that's just beside the point.**_

_How?_

_**Oh, and now you're all ganging up on me - even Peter! Grr! I am SO going to get you guys back for this on the next full moon.**_

**So will you get on with this so that. . . .**

_**I KNOW about the essay, Moony.**_

**I was actually going to say so that I could get to my story.**

_**Whatever. OK, so all four of the friends were not petting the unicorn and then Snivellus came up and he was all by himself because he had no friends, they had all ditched him. He decided to try and make friends with the unicorn and went up to it and started petting it (and he also had black lace on his robes). The unicorn did not like Snivellus, it liked Professor Kettleburn, so it went over to Kettleburn. Snivellus got really sad but no one felt sorry for him because no one likes Snivellus - even unicorns.**_

_**Then, Snivellus became REALLY depressed because he knew that he had no friends and he went to the great Sirius Black, desperately seeking his advice. He knelt by the great Sirius Black and said, "Oh, great Sirius Black! I have no friends! May I be one of your friends? Please?"**_

_**However, the subservient James Potter would not tolerate this. "No way!" he said. "You are not fit even to wipe the dog crap off the shoes of the great Sirius Black! Only I, the great yet subservient James Potter may do THAT!"**_

_Curse of the Bogies. . . . _

_**What goes around comes around, Prongs.**_

_And the same goes for you when it's Moony's turn._

**Just get on with it, Padfoot. We've discussed this already.**

_**Fine, fine. So, Snivellus begged and begged, but the great Sirius Black would not allow Snivellus to become one of his friends. Finally, Snivellus gave up, in tears and cried woefully. "If no one will love me in this world, perhaps they will in the other world!" He then ran into the Forbidden Forest.**_

_What?_

_I REALLY don't get it._

_**Well, maybe if you'd waited for me to finish the story. Anyway, Snivellus ran into the Forbidden Forest and next second came charging out, followed by a herd of angry acromantulas.**_

**Acromantulas? Since when have acromantulas lived in the Forest?**

_**How do you know they don't?**_

_That's true._

_Ah, you guys are scaring me! Will they come and attack us?_

**No, because acromantulas don't live there.**

_**Well, for the purposes of this story they do, so that Snivellus can have a proper gruesome death.**_

**That's kind of like an oxymoron, you know. How can someone have a proper death if it's gruesome?**

_**An oxymoron? Huh?**_

_You guys are morons for not knowing what an oxymoron is. Ha, ha!_

_That wasn't even funny, you know, Peter._

_**Yeah, it was actually kind of stupid.**_

**That's mean of you guys, you know. And you ARE morons, an oxymoron is two words that contradict each other, like 'parting is such sweet sorrow' in 'Romeo and Juliet.'**

_**Who?**_

**Never mind.**

_Ooh! Is Juliet your girlfriend?_

**NO, Wormtail. I don't HAVE a girlfriend.**

_And I can understand why._

**Just get on with it and stop discussing my love life.**

_**Fine. Snivellus was not able to outrun the angry acromantulas (for they were angry since he had disturbed their webs), and they grabbed onto him with their pincers and chopped his head off with their teeth. Then, they hung his head on this wooden stake and planted it right near the perimeter of the Forbidden Forest to warn anyone who came in. Oh, yeah, and the rest of Snivellus's body, they tore into a million pieces and gave to the unicorn.**_

_And the unicorn ATE it?_

**Chopped-up Snivellus does NOT sound good.**

_**No, the unicorn didn't eat it. It buried the pieces and then walked away which made Professor Kettleburn cry, because the unicorn was his only friend. Then, the great Sirius Black made friends with the head acromantula, but he sent the ever-obedient James Potter ahead first to make a truce, along with Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.**_

**It's almost my turn, you know.**

_**I'm enjoying this while I can, Moony. They made a truce and the great Sirius Black thanked them in their spider language saying, "Thank you, you have ridded us of a great evil. How can we ever repay you?"**_

_**The spider answered in its clacking language and Sirius Black, who along with being a handsome guy, was also an acromantula-language translator realized that it said, in no uncertain terms, "You have already done us a great favor by speaking to us, oh, great Sirius Black. Thank you for honoring us with your presence, we will name all our children 'Sirius,' now."**_

_**The great Sirius Black answered, "Thank you for your kindness, yet my friends have helped as well. You should also name your children James, Remus, and Peter."**_

_**But the spider answered, "No, thank you. They are losers and do not know the spider-language. Goodbye." The great Sirius Black could not protest and the spiders left, leaving the four friends alone and for James to clean Snivellus's blood off of Sirius's shoes. Basically, they all lived happily ever after.**_

_What goes around comes around, you know, Padfoot._

**Indeed.**

Note: No, I am not a homophobe and I despise any type of prejudice (including werewolf bigotry!). This was just for the purpose of a cheap laugh, for those of you who _did _laugh. Next chapter - that sexy werewolf we all know and love - Remus!!! Go Remus, go Remus:)


	3. Remus's Story

Disclaimer: I do not own Remus Lupin . . . oh, yeah, or that Harry Potter guy. :)

**Chapter 3: Remus's Story**

**Now, along with the 'wonderful James Potter' and the 'great Sirius Black,' there was another man who will be among the names of Merlin and Dumbledore for ages to come and be regarded only as a legend. This man's name was Remus John Lupin and he was not only a great guy and at the top of his class, but he was also very humble and put up with all the compliments and glory that James Potter and Sirius Black heaped upon themselves, hardly ever mentioning his own greatness.**

_**Then why are you mentioning it now?**_

**I said HARDLY ever, Padfoot, which you would know if you were reading the story, instead of being an illiterate idiot.**

_Hey, that rhymes!_

**Yes, and it's also alliteration. Now, let me continue, I must finish painting James and Sirius as idiots.**

_What? What did I do?_

**You were an arrogant prat in your story and were really redundant which annoyed me.**

_What? That's no reason to. . . ._

**Yes, it is. Now, shut up. So, the smart and humble Remus Lupin's best friends were James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew and they REFUSED to finish their Transfiguration essays and essays for other classes, so, Remus Lupin, being the great person he is, completed the essays for them.**

_Hey, that only happened ONCE and it was a REALLY boring essay for History of Magic._

**If by 'really boring,' you mean the giant wars, then you would be wrong.**

_**Professor Binns can make ANYTHING sound boring, Moony, even bloody giant wars.**_

**Not everything in life is handed to you on a silver platter, you know, Padfoot. Binns ALSO told us how the wizards defended themselves against the giants, so if you're ever attacked by a giant and don't know how to defend yourself, then don't come crying to me!**

_Ah! We're going to be attacked by giants?!_

_No, we aren't Peter, and even if we are, we know how to defend ourselves._

**And how would that be oh 'wonderful James Potter'?**

_Hagrid!_

_**And it's more likely that we'll just have this as a question on our OWL's.**_

**I don't think that 'Hagrid' would count, Padfoot. Now, I'm right near the Snivellus part, so will you PLEASE let me get on with this?**

_Sure thing, Moony._

**One day, Remus Lupin was in the library, studying studiously while his three best friends were NOT studying studiously for lack of a better term. "Why aren't you studying?" Remus Lupin reprimanded.**

**Sirius Black, thinking that this would be a question on the exams, panicked and began riffling furiously through the pages of a thick tome. Peter sat in his seat, screaming "It burns!" and James ran around banging into stuff.**

_What? How am I supposed to get Lily now?_

**You aren't. Meanwhile, Lily Evans gazed somewhat pityingly at James Potter, her eyes full of fear for her safety and she left the library, giving Remus Lupin an apologetic glance as she did so.**

_I am going to KILL you._

**Hey, like I said before, what goes around, comes around. Finally, Sirius seemed to find the answer and he looked up from the tome (his nose covered in paper cuts which made it look really ugly) and shouted, "The goblin rebellions of 1893!". Remus Lupin gave him a pitying look (much like Lily did, who obviously liked him).**

_**We are going to. . . .**_

_KILL YOU._

**I'll just pretend I didn't hear that. At that moment, Snivellus walked into the library, his hooked nose buried in "Very Advanced Dark Spells," since he was up to his hooked nose in the Dark Arts, although he was even dumber than James Potter and Sirius Black put together and only TRIED to look smart by reading these advanced books.**

_**Thank you!**_

**You're welcome. Now, James Potter and Sirius Black each shared a common hatred of Snivellus and they couldn't resist teasing him, so they went up to him and started teasing him about his hooked nose, greasy hair, and sallow skin, along with the rumor that he was a vampire.**

_Snivellus's a vampire? Ah!_

_Since when has that been a rumor?_

_**Since now.**_

_True._

**Snivellus would not put up with this, so he began to tease James and Sirius about being arrogant prats and, er . . . REALLY arrogant prats.**

_**The 'smart and humble Remus Lupin' at a loss for words? I'm shocked.**_

**Because not many words can describe you and Prongs except for arrogant prats, Padfoot. Now, James and Sirius fought bravely with just as mean insults of their own, but they were tiring. Plus, the thugs, Crabbe and Goyle had come up and were looking at James and Sirius as if they would make a tasty snack and Peter was screaming at Remus to do something.**

**Any ordinary man would have panicked at the very thought of this situation, but Remus Lupin was no ordinary man.**

_He was a werewolf!_

**True. But Remus Lupin was an EXTRAORDINARY man (and really smart!), so he unfolded his Collapsible Cauldron and made some Shrinking Solution.**

_**A Shrinking Solution? Why not, like. . . .**_

_Poison?_

_**Thank you, Prongs, poison, like something that will KILL Snivellus as this is 'The Many Gruesome DEATHS of Severus Snape,' not 'The Gruesome SHRINKING of Severus Snape'!**_

**I want to do the unexpected. You guys definitely did. I mean, merpeople EATING Snivellus and acromantulas in the forest? Come on!**

_AND the squid! Plus, the merpeople didn't eat much of him, they only took the good, juicy parts of him which I said weren't too many, if you had bothered to READ it!_

_**And acromantulas DO live in the forest!**_

**Sure they don't. Now, let me get to the gruesome death part. The smart and humble Remus Lupin made a Shrinking Solution and gave it to Snivellus, saying that it was water as his throat must be parched from his battle of words with James Potter and Sirius Black.**

_**And he BELIEVED you? I know he's dumb, but he's not THAT dumb!**_

**This is fantasy, Padfoot, not reality.**

_Unfortunately._

**Yes, very unfortunately. So, Snivellus drank the Shrinking Solution and he shrank.**

_And you got mad at ME for being redundant. If he drank a SHRINKING Solution, it's obvious he'd shrink, isn't it?_

**I need to state the obvious for those who aren't as smart as I, like YOU, Prongs. Once Snivellus shrank, James and Sirius looked on in wonder and then ran around, screaming in happiness and banging into things again, while the smart and humble Remus Lupin dealt with Snivellus. With one shoed foot, Remus stepped on and squished the protesting Snivellus (whose voice was VERY tiny and he sounded like a hamster). Remus Lupin then smeared Snivellus around on the floor, like he did when he had gum on his shoe.**

**Once Crabbe and Goyle saw that this had happened, they ran around, banging into still more stuff and making a lot more noise. Finally, they were Stunned by Madam Pince for making a disruption in the library and hospitalized in St. Mungo's for their craziness, though they always swore, even years from that time that the smart and humble Remus Lupin had killed their friend, but no one believed them, because Remus Lupin was such a great guy.**

_**Gummy Snivellus? AWESOME!**_

_Ew, that's GROSS!_

_So then what happened, Moony?_

**Well, once the smart and humble Remus Lupin had squished the evil Snivellus enough he stepped off him to reveal a small spot on the floor and he then went back to studying. Filch came by a little while later and mopped it up and Remus Lupin could hear only a feeble squeak from the spot, but Filch thought that it was James Potter and Sirius Black teasing him, so he gave them detention and they stayed tied in their strange detention contest. Oh, yeah, and the smart and humble Remus Lupin got O's on all of his OWL's and became Minister of Magic later on in life because he was such a smart and humble guy, plus James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew got other important positions, such as making sure that all people named Snivellus were exterminated.**

Note: Really, I do have an unnatural obsession with Remus Lupin . . . even though he's several decades older than me. Hey, look at Tonks, she got together with him! Look at Jane Eyre! Have any of you guys read _Jane Eyre_? It's _really _good. Ahem, yes, if the Harry Potter universe were real, a romance between Remus and I _would _work . . . that is, if Jo doesn't kill him off in _Deathly Hallows_. If she does, then I will scream and scream and scream . . . and, you get the point. Thank you for reading this and hopefully you haven't lost to many brain cells.

Note: Next chapter - Peter. Does anyone actually _like _Peter, as in, if the HP universe were real, then you'd want to get together with him? I mean, Sirius has a whole entourage of fangirls and I know Remus and James have a fair amount, too. And I know that fanguys (whoa, that's a weird term), like Lily. But, Peter?! Maybe if we were as unknowing as the other Marauders and didn't know what he would grow up to do, we'd like him, but since we know what he's going to grow up to do, then we don't. Please ignore that I am talking about Harry Potter as if it's a real-life thing, I do it all the time. Anyway, give me your thoughts.


	4. Peter's Story

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter - especially not Peter, thank God! And, I'm not sure if I should add this, but I will anyway . . . I also don't own Lord of the Rings because a small parody of it is kinda sorta mentioned in this chapter.

**Chapter 4: Peter's Story**

_Um . . . I'm not really sure how to start my story, I'm not as good a writer as the 'wonderful James Potter,' the 'great Sirius Black,' and the 'smart and humble Remus Lupin,' so I guess I'll just start by introducing myself like they did. My name is Peter, henceforth to be referred to as, er . . . 'average Peter.'_

_Wormtail, you're supposed to speak of yourself in the third person._

_What? _

**You know, referring to yourself as 'average Peter,' instead of 'I' or 'me.'**

_Oh. OK, so 'average Peter. . . .'_

_**And stop with the quotation marks.**_

_Sorry. Average Peter had three best friends, who were much, MUCH better than him, their names were James Potter, who was great at Quidditch, Sirius Black, who got all the hot girls, and Remus Lupin, who was REALLY smart and I . . . I mean 'average Peter,' wouldn't be surprised if Remus Lupin got all O's on his OWL's._

_**I like this already.**_

_My sentiments exactly, Padfoot._

**You're allowed to make fun of us, Wormtail, you know, make us seem like arrogant, idiotic prats.**

_Nah, that way's harder, because this is how things ACTUALLY are._

_But what about Snivellus's death?_

_That's different, that's Snivellus._

_Thank you, Wormtail._

_No problem. As I was saying, one day, average Peter and his three friends were in Charms class and were trying to Silence some ravens._

_**That's pretty dull, don't you think?**_

**Give him a break, Padfoot. Ours started out dull, too.**

_Um . . . thanks Moony. So, we . . . I mean, they, were all trying to Silence some ravens, but, unfortunately, the ravens would not be Silenced, they kept on cawing and cawing, it was enough to drive anyone mad, and it drove average Peter mad so that he started shouting incoherent words at the raven he was trying to Silence, telling it to "shut up!"._

**Now you're getting the hang of it.**

_Yeah, I guess. So, where was I again?_

_The ravens._

_Thanks, Prongs. Average Peter got really annoyed at the raven's cawing, only wonderful James Potter, great Sirius Black, and smart and humble Remus Lupin kept their cool and they told Professor Flitwick to cast a charm on the raven to shut it up, which he did._

_**That's not much of a story, you know. It has to have a climax and stuff.**_

_Huh?_

**You know, like something that the whole story builds up to. How about, Professor Flitwick was out and the substitute didn't know how to cast the Silencing Charm on the raven, so the Marauders turned to their own devious devices, involving. . . .**

_Cheese!_

_**Cheese?**_

_Why, cheese, Wormtail?_

_Oh, sorry. I just found some in my bag and I'm hungry for it right now. Sorry, it involves Snivellus, right, Moony?_

**Yes, you scared me there for a moment. Go on and write. Here's the quill.**

_Thanks. However, Professor Flitwick had to leave at the last moment and he had a substitute who was a Squib and didn't know magic. So, the smart and humble Remus Lupin tried to cast a spell on it but average Peter, being the strange person he was, screamed a random spell at the raven before Remus Lupin could say anything. _

_**Since when have you been quicker at spells than Remus?**_

_Keyword - fiction, Padfoot, it's not real._

_**I know, that, but. . . .**_

_But what? What's your point?_

_**It doesn't make sense!**_

**And acromantulas living in the forest DOES make sense?**

_**Yes, it does, because they do! I've seen them!**_

**Sure you haven't.**

_Um, guys? Can I continue now?_

**Sure. Go ahead, Wormtail.**

_Thanks, Moony. So, once average Peter cast the spell on the raven, it began to swell, because Peter had accidentally cast a Swelling Spell on it, instead._

_Makes sense._

_**Unlike yours, Prongs.**_

**Stop it, you two, and let Peter write! You're using up all the ink.**

_**Sorry, Wormtail.**_

_Yeah, mate, sorry._

_It's alright. Once the raven began to swell, it um . . . swelled up so fast that none of the Marauders could cast a countercharm (even the smart and humble Remus Lupin), and it finally began to let off noises like a bomb about to explode. All the other ravens flew out of the classroom and so did all the students, except for Snivellus, who was so dumb that he hadn't even noticed and his unfortunate raven was grasped firmly in his hand as he struggled to Silence it. The smart and humble (and really nice!) Remus Lupin warned him to stop, by shouting, "Snivellus, stop! The room's about to explode!", but Snivellus didn't listen._

**Thanks, Wormtail!**

_No problem._

_**But why did Moony of all people call Snape 'Snivellus,' right to his face?**_

_Padfoot, has nothing of what I said to you, sunk through your thick skull? This is FICTION!_

_Anyway, Snivellus didn't listen so the Marauders gave him up as a hopeless case and quickly saved his raven by a Summoning Charm and ran out the door of the classroom with the raven in hand. Snivellus stared after them in wonder, wondering why they had taken the raven (which was his only friend, since the unicorn had abandoned him)._

_The Marauders ran down the hall for a bit and only a little while after they reached the end of the corridor, the room exploded. The Marauders decided to go and check the room, to see if the raven was safe (since who cares about Snivellus?)._

_Well said!_

_Thanks. So, the wonderful James Potter went first, then the great Sirius Black, then the smart and humble Remus Lupin, and, finally, average Peter. They crept to the door of the classroom and saw black feathers all over the room as the Swelling raven had popped. Then, as the smoke cleared they saw Snivelly's body, covered in soot and parts of him were scorched with raven feathers all over him, and it looked really funny. Average Peter went up to Snivellus and started laughing hysterically at him then and all the Marauders joined in, laughing and kicking at Snivellus's body._

**Um . . . wouldn't we lose a lot of House Points because of this?**

_**It's FICTION, Moony!**_

_No, let me explain it. The Heads of Houses and Dumbledore all ran up because they had heard the explosion and they all stared from the Marauders, to Snape's body, to the alive raven that had flown to a ceiling rafter. Then, they all started clapping and gave the Marauders fifty points apiece._

_**Awesome!**_

_The Marauders all wondered WHY they were getting all these points and Dumbledore explained that the raven that had been blown up was the Raven of Power, which was made by You-Know-Who, and, if You-Know-Who got the Raven of Power, he explained, he could use it to control everyone and bring Darkness over the land once more. The only way to get rid of that threat forever would be to destroy the Raven of Power, and none of them had an idea of how to do that, but average Peter had come up with the great idea of swelling and blowing it up with a Swelling Spell and all of the other Marauders had participated, so they all got fifty points apiece. He asked if the Marauders understood, and they all nodded, just knowing that they had won the House Championship, and not really caring about the Raven of Power. Oh, yeah, and Snivellus was dead and they had saved the world from being overcome by Darkness. And that was how Snivellus died._

**Wow, that was amazing, Wormtail.**

_**Where'd you get that Raven of Power idea? It's awesome!**_

_Yeah, yours made a lot more sense than ours._

_Thanks, guys. I think I'm going to cry!_

_**Oh, come on! Stop being a wuss!**_

**OK, you REALLY just ruined the moment, Padfoot.**

_So, did they all live happily ever after?___

_Yup, and, let's just say that you married Lily Evans, too and had a son named Reginald._

**Reginald? How about Harry?**

_Dude, that's an AWESOME name!_

Note: Phew, it's finally over, all four chapters! Wow! Anyway, please tell me what you think, especially you LotR fans. If you didn't notice, the "Raven of Power" in this chapter was like the Ring of Power in LotR. I don't know too much about LotR myself, although my friend is a huge fan of it, so tell me (in a review, _please_?) how accurate it was.


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